Attack On Teletubbie
by SameAsItNeverWere
Summary: Your favorite intense anime meets your least favorite (and most scariest) childhood TV show. Attack on Teletubbie, told from Eren's point of view. Rated M for language and gore.
1. The Worst Day Ever, Part I

Birds. There were a few of them, flying peacefully like the lucky bastards they were.

God damn I envied those birds.

But I wasn't watching them. Not now.

Not ever again.

Until I saw them again.

My stare was way too trained on that giant wall. The one that's supposed to protect us from those giant monsters and shit.

But

Now

My eyes widened, those stupid birds getting in the way of my beautiful beautiful eyes. My beautiful eyes were probably even prettier than usual, with the sunlight all on them and the sky and all that shit.

I saw it, finally emerging. Not the sun but what everyone was standing around for. Staring in horror, in shock, in fear. I heard Armin step back, a slight sound of fear being pulled into his mouth. The little sissy bitch. But I couldn't comment on it now.

To the right of the gate entrance, beginning to breach the top with its large, mitten hand.

Its face emerged. A human-like face, but more doll than human. Glossy, big eyes. A nose that would've been cute if it were on a normal sized thing. What am I saying?

These things were monsters. The Telies. And this was the first one I've ever seen. We were totally fucked.

Beside me, I heard Armin speak, his voice ringing out amidst the town's deafening silence.

"And in that moment..." he said. " _Everything_ changed."

I gritted my teeth, wanting to tell him to shut up. NO SHIT everything's changing! THERE'S A FUCKING TELIE BREACHING THE WALL WE GOTTA TAKE ACTION NOW!

I should probably back up. Give you a bit of backstory instead of continuing on with this very tense and very dramatic moment. Because that's what people like, isn't it? Yeah that's what I thought.

Okay so I live with my kind of not sister Mikasa. She's sorta lame but she follows me around like pretty much everywhere except when I take a shit; then she stands outside the bathroom. She's always wearing that scarf I gave her back when we were little kids. More little than we were now. But I'm totally tough and loudmouth so it makes up for my small size and small penis. But people still stare at me like I'm some stupid bug they wanna squish. It's probably cause I'm always yelling. But whatever. Sometimes Mikasa nods along with whatever shit I'm spewing about the Titans—I mean Telies, so that makes it okay.

Anyway, one day Mikasa and I were hanging out with Armin. He's really kind of annoying but his hair's nice so I keep him around. My posse is sorta hip, but that's only because I'm in it. The leader, I mean. It wouldn't be a posse if I was a part of it. Unless I was another person, in which case I would totally be a part of my own posse. Pussy. Cats. There's a cat walking by as we all sit against the wall. I hate cats. They're so fucking arrogant and shit.

"Hey, look at that cat!" Armin adds insult to his own stupidity by even pointing at it. IT'S RIGHT THERE ARMIN WE CAN ALL SEE IT.

I bite down my anger (I do that a lot with him) and pretend to notice the white piece of shit still trotting past us.

"Huh." I reply. "Oh yeah. There is."

I glance to Mikasa, wondering if that scarf is around her eyes, too. It's not; still around her mouth like some kind of ninja. That's sorta cool. I wish I was a ninja.

*Naruto flute theme plays*

"Hey, Eren."

I blink out of my own daydream, feeling Armin grab my shirt and pull me to my feet.

"Hey, Eren." he says again, AS IF I DIDNT HEAR HIM THE FIRST TIME. "Let's go see all the Survey Corps come back from their latest mission."

I run past him, suddenly feeling excited for the first time in today. First time today, I mean. Whatever. Grammer is stupid. I speed past Armin because he's always getting in my way and head down the small slope until I start to pass underneath a bridge.

Stupid Hannes is there, telling me to take some logs. Up yours, Hannes! I blow past him with my amazing speed, resisting the urge to flip the guy off because he's always so annoying. Mikasa's right beside me, which is nothing new. Sometimes I totally forget she's there; like when I sometimes spin around and swing my arms out too hard, hitting her in the face. Mouth. Her scarf usually blocks it, so maybe that's why she's always wearing that thing. Hand shield.

I suddenly trip. Mikasa doesn't catch me, only gasps through her scarf. She's probably smiling underneath it too the bitch. I drag myself up, angrier than ever. Which is saying a lot.

"WHO PUTS LOGS ON THE GROUND?!"

Armin finally catches up to us, wheezing as he bends over.

"They... Probably... Were..." GOD DAMMIT ARMIN JUST SPIT IT OUT. "Dropped..."

I barely hold back a groan. G'DUHHH Armin! Dammit I can't believe I wasted five seconds waiting for that explanation! I gotta go see the Scouts! I take off running, hearing Mikasa warn me again about the logs.

Whatever! Luckily I don't trip on anything and soon make it to the front entrance. All these people here... I can't see anything! I wish I was taller! AUGH IM SO ANGRY ABOUT MY HEIGHT

I climb onto a crate (not letting the embarrassment for my height show of course) and finally I can see past the heads of a few fat ladies. I hear Mikasa scramble up and stand behind me. Dammit her breath is right in my ear. It smells like the fish we had for lunch.

I lean away, one hand by my mouth and nose. I don't say anything of course. I always let my anger build up and release it when anyone mentions the word "Titans" I mean "Telies". Those big bellied bastards.

"Hey, look! They're back!"

I smile, hearing the familiar roll of carriage wheels. They WERE back! The Survey Corps ohmygodholyshit they—

Were injured. A lot of them. The smile dropped from my face, and I heard Mikasa's nasty breath stop in her throat. I said something, a question that never fully formed. Why... Why were all of them so hurt?

In front of me, I heard whispers.

"Back so soon? How can we keep affording to send people off to their deaths like this?"

"I know! I can't believe this is what we waste our money on!"

"Telies! I bet they don't even really exist! This is just a government ploy to get more of our money!"

Cheers answered that one. I was so angry I thought the vein on my face was gonna explode. Mikasa's hand was on my shoulder, but I roughly moved it away before jumping down from the crate.

"WHO SAID THAT? SHOW YOUR FACE, YOU COWARD‼"

"What the... Is that a little kid?"

The crowd parted as I stormed through it, searching for that pig nosed ass wipe. I couldn't wait to punch him in his stupid face. Finally, I approached someone. His mustache was RIDICULOUS!

"Listen, kid..." he said, his voice only confirming that he was the stupid idiot. "This is grown up business. Don't you have a few sticks to play around with?"

"SHUT UP!" Wind suddenly blew my hair around, but I didn't mind. The effect just made me look cool, and even more angry. "HOW COULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? AFTER ALL THEYVE BEEN THROUGH! ALL THEYVE SACRIFICED! YOURE NOTHING BUT A COWARD!‼‼"

The guy turned back. He looked at the passing Survey Corps Members.

"Huh." he said. "Guess you're right."

"YOURE DAMN RIGHT IM RIGHT!" My fist drew back; I was still really angry and I needed to punch something. "AND IF YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT AGAIN—"

A hand grabbed my fist, preventing it from swinging.

I turned, seeing Hannes bent down beside me.

"HANNES!" I yelled, oblivious to a few people covering their ears.

"Eren." he told me. "You need to calm down! You're giving everyone a headache!"

He released my hand. I tsked, looking away. Suddenly, I caught a pile of wooden logs as they were dropped into my arms.

"Here," Hannes was saying. "Some firewood. Hopefully it'll take the heat away from that hot head of yours!"

"Science doesn't work like that, Hannes."

He just laughed, his palm twisting against my hair. I scowled. The guy was such a tool.

"Eren!" OH GOD NOT HIM AGAIN.

"Yeah, Armin?" I ask calmly, turning to see him burst through the crowd. He landed on his feet and stumbled a bit, the klutz. Idiot.

"Eren!"

I grit my teeth. Just go to your happy place, Eren... I start thinking of rainbows. And ninjas. Yeah. That was good.

Armin stumbled up to me, arms windmilling a little as he bounced around on one foot.

"Did you see the Survey Corps?" he asked.

"Uh," I look around, realizing they had already passed by. GOD DAMMIT ARMIN! "No! They're already gone!"

"Well, that's all right!" Hannes says, putting both hands on his hips. He was pissed drunk; his breath reeked like the same beer my mom drank. "They'll come back. They always do!"

"No they don't!" A voice from the crowd rang out, and distantly I saw a fist waving in the air. "Didn't you see that really dramatic moment with that lady and her son's arm?"

"EWW GROSS!" I screamed. Hannes put his hand on my head again.

"Eren! For God's sake child, calm down! If you're gonna be as brave as you say you are, a few dismembered limbs should be nothing!"

"Whatever, _Hannes!_ " I stepped away, still carrying the firewood in my arms. I felt splinters dig into my skin, which just made me angrier. I didn't let it show, though! Not yet!

I sped off to my parents house, and my mom started raggin me as soon as I walked in. I ignored her because I'm so cool, and dumped the firewood in the box. Dumping wood into more wood. God humans are stupid. Why can't I be a Telie instead

Uh

I mean

My mom's voice grew louder, and the next thing I knew she was grabbing my ear. I fought her on whatever crap she was spewing because who needs mothers God

We all sat down to eat lunch or whatever and I just noticed Mikasa was here. Whatthehell when did she get here? Fucking ninjas...

She had pulled down her scarf to eat the soup, and I noticed a little bit of food on the fabric. Gross. Maybe it wasn't her breath I was smelling earlier; maybe it was the scarf she never fucking _washes!_

I shudder and look back down to my meal. Ugh we had stew yesterday... And the day before... And the day before... I wondered if this was from the same pot as last week. Fuck we're poor

"Eren."

I suddenly panic, swearing I heard Armin's voice say my name. He's always around, waiting at every corner...

Surprisingly enough, I see the eyes of my parents and Mikasa on me. I scowl. My mom's eyes are totally hollow and shadowy lookin, like a freaking weirdo. God what is her deal?

My dad slurps his soup like he's trying to pull in his last breath. He exhales: "Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."

His spoon is set down on the rim of his bowl, and finally he continues on with what he was saying before.

"What's this I hear about you wanting to join the Scouts?"

"Uh." My eyes grow wide. I turn away, getting angrier. It shows in my voice but just a little. "So what? Would you rather I just sit here and wait to die?"

"Sure why not."

I look at him, hurt. My mom scolds him in a shout. Dad puts one hand up, defensive.

"Oh, please, I'm just joking." He turns to me, glasses reflecting off sunlight. "Eren, don't be an idiot."

"Wha-"

"EREN!"

Okay, that time was DEFINITELY Armin! The door bursts open, and we all turn to see him standing there. His face looks awful, and instantly I know he's been beat up. I let the hate flow through me, imagining my fist punching the face of a Telie.

"Armin..." Mikasa's voice, a little muffled through her scarf. She had pulled it up when we all started fighting; probably to hide a grin, the bitch. "Your face... It looks..."

"SO much better!" My mom flaps a wrist. "You have GOT to tell me what you've been doing! Your pores look GREAT!"

With one swollen eye and a bloodied mouth open in subtle disbelief, Armin just stares at her.

"Carla, don't be an idiot." My Dad gets up, the chair moving loudly. Ugh I hate our chairs.

"Yes, dear."

Dad's briefcase is in his hand, and I watch it swing as he moves towards the front door.

"Hey, Dad." I begin. "Where're you going?"

"Keep your nose out of my work life, Eren."

"Um, y-yes, sir..."

"But Eren..."

I look up, seeing him push past Armin like he wasn't even there. My Dad stands in the doorway, turning to me as he picks up the string around his neck, revealing a key.

"Don't let your mom die and I'll let you in on what I've been doing in the cellar."

I smiled, my grin wide. Okay! Easy enough, right?

God I was so wrong.

Like

So

So wrong

Shit

My beautiful eyes widen, seeing the Telie rear its head over the wall. Life comes back into my feet and I bolt away, hearing Armin screech like a fucking banshee at me. GOD I HOPE HE GETS EATEN

I run to our house, telling myself it'll still be there. Everyone will still be there; Mom, the soup. Whatever other furniture we have. It'll still be there, IT HAS TO.

I turn the corner to see everything I called home collapsed. My feet almost stutter to a stop but I force myself to keep running. I see my mom, trying to pull her leg out from the house.

"EREN!" She extends a hand to me.

"MOM!"

"MIKASA!"

I get confused for a second but then I turned around to look behind myself. Mikasa is there, and slowly she lowers the knife she had raised. The blade reflects off the setting sunlight, slowly being hid behind her back.

"Mikasa, this is no time for Murder Games!" I tell her. "We gotta get Mom out from under the house."

My mom tries to laugh, flapping a wrist. "Oh, don't worry about me. Just give me that knife, Mikasa, I'll cut my foot off and we can all get out of here."

"No!" I try to lift the edge of the house. "Mikasa, help me lift this!"

She drops the knife and tries to help me. But dammit we're still way too weak! AUGH IF ONLY I COULD CONVERT ANGER INTO PHYSICAL STRENGTH FUCK

I hear my mom straining to reach the knife. She's leaning forward, really trying to reach it.

"Mom," I heave once more. "Just stop! Mikasa and I can save your leg!"

"Eren, don't be an idiot!" She yells at me, and my entire existence flashes before my eyes, filled with every time she's said those exact words. My birth, my first day of school, one hour ago when we were finished eating that meal.

Ugh Moms were awful. But they're better when they have two legs I CAN'T LIFT THIS HOUSE

I keep trying and then I hear someone zip down behind us.

"Hannes!"

I turn and look, listening to my mom talk about cutting her leg off again. Hannes hitches a thumb towards himself, keeping one hand on his hip.

"No need!" he declares. "I'm a trained specialist! My duties include saving life and KICKIN ASS!"

He bounds off, headed towards the Telie that I forgot to mention was coming towards us. I keep trying to lift the house, ignoring my mother's screams at Hannes. I hear the Telie's steps getting closer, and briefly wonder if my many wishes about Hannes dying came true.

I regretted them, a little bit. I didn't want him to die NOW. My mom was still trapped underneath this house with no way to get out!

"EREN JUST GIVE ME THE KNIFE!"

"Alright, kids, let's go!" Hannes is scooping me up, and I'm riding on his shoulder. I can smell Mikasa on his opposite side but all my focus is trained on the image of my mother getting further away.

She's reaching a hand out to me, tears pouring from her eyes.

"DONT BE AN IDIOT, EREN!"

"MOM!" I reach my arm out as well, as if I could somehow take her hand in mine.

I have to watch in horror as the Telie approaches. It's a yellow one. The weird antenna on its head boings as it bends down, grabbing my mom with one mitten hand. She's screaming, some of the foulest words I've ever hear igniting from her mouth. Like... These were curses that sounded awful but didn't even make any SENSE.

"FUCKIN SHIT BITCH CAP'N CRUNCH NUGGET ASSHOLE MOTHER—"

She's hitting the Telie too, but the brainless beast doesn't do anything. It only raises her to its mouth, teeth parting wide. Its head tilts back, hand dangling her a few feet above its oral gorge.

"T-Turn me around!" I tell Hannes. My elbow keeps striking backwards, ramming him in the head. "TURN ME THE FUCK AROUND, HANNES!"

"WE CANT, EREN! IM SORRY YOUR MOTHER'S GONE!"

She drops into the Telie's mouth. Its teeth clamp down, stopping at her leg. The same one that she had been trying to get out from under the house. I scream, my voice wild with pain. My... My mother... MY MOM!

The Telie draws her leg out from between its lips like it's eating shrimp. I can't look away, and I watch as her leg gets devoured along with the rest of her.

I keep hitting Hannes' head, and the next thing I know I'm suddenly on the ground. He's fallen down, and he's not getting up. Mikasa scrambles to her knees, looking at me like I'm supposed to know what to do. Shove off, Mikasa!

I stare back for a moment, just as scared as her. I look to Hannes, and when he doesn't move, I slide my foot towards him. The tip of my shoe pokes against his head.

His face lifts, a deep breath moving into him.

"Okay sorry about that kids just had a minor concussion!"

We're moving again, carried by his dumb arms. I can't get out. What good would it do, anyway? I can't fight back... At least not yet...

NOT YET


	2. Wait, Skipping Ahead

Okay so let's skip past the boring parts of my life and go right into when I started training to get into the Survey Corps. I'd vowed as soon as I saw my mom die that I'd fucking destroy every last god damn Telie in existence. Like, all of them. Forever. Until they're all dead. For good.

Right now there's some jackass with no hair screaming at us. Whatever, man. He yells at Armin, too, and right when Baldy says his name, I do everything in my power to hold down at laugh.

"ARMIN ARLERT."

God, Armin's such a tool. My face remains totally straight, I'm not even flinching as the drill instructor says something about his parents cursing him with such a horrible name. And really, it's true. Like fuck, even Armin's name is annoying. But as least his hair's cool… Hm… Couple Armin's hair… With Mikasa's scarf…

I snap out of my own daydream as the dude walks past, not even glancing in my direction. I hold down a smirk. Yeah, you better walk on, Baldy. I'll fuck u up until your hair grows back.

This training is gonna be a piece of cake.

At least, that's what I tell myself and everyone else before the stupid fucking 4D gear hands my own ass to me. Shit I hate this stuff. And yeah, I just said 4D gear. I'm not totally sure how it works, but it's said that only when you've mastered it, you start seeing things from other dimensions. Like unicorns flyin' around or you start smelling leprechaun farts. I'm not totally sure about that last one, but hell if I'm not gonna see a unicorn!

I clench my hand into a fist. Those five extra seconds I spent training today is totally gonna pay off! IM GONNA BEAT THIS MANUEVER GEAR BRING IT ON, YOU HEAP OF TELIE-KILLING GARBAGE

As soon as I'm raised up, I swing down, slamming my face into the ground. How the hell my neck doesn't break, I don't know, but I have enough conscious to look up. Look up and see _everyone staring at me._ Even Armin and Mikasa. Mikasa just looks disappointed, and Armin's eyes are wide and shadowy.

"SHUT UP, ARMIN!" I yell, watching him flinch.

"E-Eren…" he replies softly.

"CA-DET!" Baldy screams at me. "YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN FAILED THE ODM TRAINING. _You, and only you, are the biggest god damn disgrace **in. Humanity's. existence‼!**_ **"**

As he's blabbing, I'm pushing myself to my feet. It doesn't take him too long to notice something around my waist-level, and whatever it is is enough to cut him off mid-scream. He reaches towards me, and I put my hands out to try and push his weird fingers away.

"CUT THE HOMOPHOBIC BULLSHIT, CADET!"

My ODM belt is suddenly grabbed, and yeah I can see the broken piece. SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS BROKEN THIS WHOLE TIME MY NECK COULD'VE BEEN SNAPPED I COULD'VE DIED AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE, HUMANITY? HUH?!

SHIT!

Whatever. So anyway, a few days pass before we're set up in Trost. Mandating the wall or whatever. Some bitch that was stupid enough to eat a damn potato in front of Baldy was blabbing about taking food from the Commander. I blocked most of the drabble out, scanning the inside of the walls. The area we've all been confined to. Born into. A great majority of us don't even know what it's like outside the walls.

My hand clenches into a fist, nails digging into the skin of my palm. Suddenly, I feel breath on the side of my neck. I jump away, hand positioned at the hilt of my ODM blade.

Potato Girl is grinning at me, drool stuck to the front of her chin. I grimace at the disgusting sight, watching as she pulls a shaky inhale in, her hands rising to hang limply in front of her like some kind of damn dinosaur.

"You… You have food, don't you?"

"What?" I respond, my foot shifting back. "No, I don't have any food!"

She takes a step forward. "But… I… I can smell it on you!"

My expression falters for just a moment, nerves getting the best of me. I steel myself again, hiding the vulnerability before she can really see it.

"Everyone is totally poor. We're in _poverty_. How can I have any food?"

She shifts forward towards me, giving a light airy laugh as her mouth opens a bit wider. "I dunno…" she almost sings the words. "Maybe it's those friends you have. The blonde one seems like he'd always keep some cheese on him."

I frown at her, slightly concerned. "I know Armin looks like a mouse, but you don't have to take it that far…"

Distantly, as an echo somewhere across town, I hear an irritatingly familiar shout. "THANK YOU, EREN!"

I turn towards the sound, wondering how in the _fuck_ —

I'm suddenly tackled. I roll with the force, almost immediately feeling the edge of the wall pass by me. Ah, shit.

My hand finds the edge, the impact jerking my body swiftly. A hand grabs my foot. I look down, meeting those crazed eyes behind those glasses again. Seeing that constant drooling grin. She's climbing up, hands gripping fistfuls of my pants and pulling herself towards me.

"W-Where's the food?" she asks. "Where's the food?"

"Oh my GOD, Sasha!" Connie's voice came from above us, and I can tell he has his hands on his shaved hair. He always does that when he was stressed, which was a lot of the time. "What in the f—"

A loud, loud sound of lightning striking makes his cursing inaudible. From my place hanging on the edge of the wall, I see the Telie's face. Large, looming over us with its stupid cutesy features. DAMMIT I HAVE TO STOP DOING THAT. MONSTERS. MONSTERS, EREN!

"EREN!"

 _FUCK, ARMIN! HOW?!_

I grit my teeth. No time to worry about Armin's apparent supernatural hearing ability now; I had my first Telie to kill.

I let go of the wall, hearing Sasha wail as we begin falling. She even scrambles up to hold onto my back, and I don't bother to pull her off. She was a teammate, after all. And part of me was thinking we'd need all the warm bodies we could get.

I draw my swords, feeling the air continue to whip past us. As I shoot upwards and begin to swing us towards the top, I let my inner self come out, screaming commands at my teammates from above.

"ALRIGHT, BITCHES! LET'S FUCKING DO THIS! TEAR THESE TELIES TO THE GOD DAMN BONE! LET'S MOVE IT‼"

As I shoot up past the edge of the wall and do a cool 720 spin, I hear my teammates sound off in agreement. I land on my feet, still spinning. When we stop, I'm turned in the opposite direction I want to be in DAMMIT

I quickly spin around, staring at the Telie above me. Sasha is clinging to my back like some kind of baby monkey, and I hear her scream RIGHT IN MY EAR. OKAY SASHA YOU'RE GETTING KILLED FIRST.

I take in a breath and slowly let it out, focusing on the Telie staring back at me.

Black, beady eyes and a constant grin. I was going to slash every inch of it up.


	3. God Dammit

"EAT MY NUUUTTSS!" I screamed, landing on a Telie's face to stab it in both eyes. It roared out a scream that sounded like children being set on fire, Armin's quick words still audible as he zoomed by me.

"Wow-EREN-you're-such-a-badass-holy—"

He was suddenly caught by an outstretched mitten hand. I watched, actually horrified as the stupid bastard struggled to get away with no success. He was being raised up, dangling above an open mouth.

Memories came back... The sight of my mother being eaten the same way.

Dammit... As much as I wanted Armin dead, I COULDNT LET THIS BASTARD BE THE ONE TO KILL HIM

Armin had already been dropped into that gorge by the time I released my blades from my current Telie's eyes. I let Mikasa zoom by, slicing its antenna off. That's the weak spot.

"Armin!" she shouts behind her shoulder.

I bring my stare back to the Telie that ate my posse-group member. Ah hell no that bastard isn't dying yet‼

Wait

Hold up

Sorry; I totally skipped over where I left off earlier, huh?

Lemme go back.

So I'm there with Sasha SHRIEKING in my face like making me go deaf it's so loud. I really want to just fling her off my back but as the Telie's hand swipes across the top of the wall and we jump upwards, avoiding it, an idea comes to me.

I momentarily mentally shit myself as the cannons get knocked over because WHAT THE FICK THese things actually aren't batshit stupid like?

?!

?‼

Anyway, I'm screaming at Sasha as we start arcing around the Telie.

"SASHA!"

She gives a scream that kind of sounds like a question.

I try again. "SASHA, FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!"

"Y-yeah, Eren?"

"I need you to shoot onto the Telie's weak spot and slash it!"

"N-no!" she proclaims, and her hair slaps against my face as she shakes her head. "I can't! I can't do that, Eren! No way!"

"Too bad, bitch!" I quickly twist my body, hands forcing her off and she begins falling SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST WE'RE GOING DARWIN UP IN HERE

She's screaming, and through the tears streaming from her eyes, her swords are drawn. "OKAY!‼"

She shoots off, and as I quickly finish the wide circle I'd been traveling in, I can see her winding up to slice off that antenna. My breath stops as the Telie's black eyes look to me. Directly. At. Me.

Its mouth opens, releasing the screams of a thousand suffering children. And then it disappears.

"W-what?!" Sasha plummets down, and with a quick growl I pierce a hook through her leg.

"OW GOD EREN I COULD'VE SAVED MYSELF!"

"No time!" I respond, not hearing whatever the hell she just said. I shoot away, catapulting us over the wall.

"EREN EREN WATCH THE WALL _MY HEAD‼_ "

I get peeved enough to glance back, seeing her body curl inwards, the crates exploding into wood pieces at the force of her landing. The hook is released, and I see the blood spilling out onto the concrete floor of the wall. Sasha is trying to get up, resting on her forearm with blood streaming down her face.

"EREN, YOU IDIOT!"

I grit my teeth, eyes bulging because that just made me think of my mother! I HATED THOSE TELIES!‼ I go off to kill some more because they're everywhere in town, and that's how I got to watch Armin almost die.

He's getting eaten by this Telie and I GUESS I can't let him die so I zip-line over and attach myself onto the Telie's stomach, where Armin probably was right about now.

I stab my sword into it and slice across, spilling out an avalanche of guts and organs. Through the river of blood gushing out, I see Armin slide towards me, half hanging out of the stomach's broken lining.

He looks up and gags out a pool of blood—and I can tell from the pure stench that it's not his own.

"EREN!" he chokes out.

"Shut up, Armin." I growl.

I turn around and throw the coconut-headed bastard up onto a rooftop. I hear him cough out a shout of thanks as he lands. My ODM wires have already latched into the Telie's eyes, and I release the hooks as I get higher than head level. Gravity brings me down, and all too easily I slash off the antenna bouncing around at the top of the head.

The monster shrieks. I grin. I shoot off to find more of those ugly bastards. Survey Corps got nothin' on me.

And then the lower half of my body gets eaten. I didn't even see it happen; I just suddenly hit the rooftop, what remained of my body flipping and twisting, arms bending in wrong directions and bones snapping. I swear I still had my dick but when I had enough brain power to look down after I had finished half-dying, I was so wrong. Everything from the stomach down was totally gone.

My life

Was the worst thing ever.

Someone just kill me now.

I see a Telie walk up to me. Ah, thank God; my prayers have been answered.

I reach my hand out towards it, but then a stupid voice cuts through my suicidal focus.

"EREN! WJAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

My eyes go wide, and I'm shaken out of my own mind and back into reality. Did he just make a verbal typo? What the fuc—

Armin zips on by, slashing the Telie's antenna off. Even then, he's still blabbing out in that ear-piercingly shrill voice.

"EREN WHAT'S GOING ON ARE YOU OKAY—OH MY _GOD!_ "

Another Telie is looming towards me, and this time Armin can't re-direct his gear fast enough. I'm pretty much half-dead given the miniature ocean of blood, but I have enough strength to look up and meet his scared eyes with my own blurring vision.

Time seems to slow down as I reach a hand towards him. My extended fingers curl inwards, my fist turning upright. I slowly, gradually, extend my middle finger and feel a smile curve onto my face.

I've always hated that mouse-faced weenie. Even if he does have nice hair.

My vision goes dim as I feel myself lifted up, the Telie's fingers pinching me by my head, forcing my neck to take on a straining amount of weight from the gravity pulling what's left of my body down.

My lips move, trying to tell the Telie about to eat me to go fuck itself, but the next thing I know, that pressure against my head and neck is released. Gravity embraces me, and the part of my conscious that's still working has enough irony to remember this was like how my mom died. Dropped into that gorge. It was darker than I expected. Much slimier and shit, too.

As the light of the sky gets engulfed by the Telie's mouth closing, Armin's scream fades from my ears.

"EREN! OH MAN, WHAT DO I DO?!"

 _Fuck if I know, Armin_. I think as I slip into unconsciousness.


	4. A FUN SUMMER VACATION AND MOUSE FRIENDS

AUGH GOD DAMMIT IM JUST SO ANGRY  
SO  
FUCK  
OKAY SO LIKE I WAKE UP RIGHT AND IM STANDING THERE IN SOME FUCKING GRASS OR WHATEVER FUCKING HALF-COLLAPSED AND MIKASA'S HOLDING ME UP BY ONE ARM  
LIKE  
MIKASA  
OF ALL PEOPLE  
DAMMIT  
SO STUPID  
I DIDNT HEAR _**SHIT**_ UNTIL SOME IDIOT OVERHEAD AROUND ALL THESE FUCKING PEOPLE OPENS HIS BIG SQUEALING MOUTH AND ASKS  
"R U TELIE OR R U HUMAN (LEEDEELEEDEE LEE)" AND MY EYES GO WIDE BECAUSE WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHAKESPEARE SHIT IS THAT  
FUC  
SO I LOOK UP, PUTTING ON MY COOLEST FACE AND I GO "SHUT THE FUCK UP, MAN"  
Everyone goes dead silent; I swear even that baby that was squealing with whines even shut up. Dammit  
That commander or whatever BS shithead is just staring at me like I shit on the ground or something  
But then he just waves his hand down  
"FIRE"  
Ah shit I don't need this!  
I bite my hand because I'm just so angry and everything goes white.  
Ah fuck I skipped over some shit didn't I? Whatever. Let's backtrack BECAUSE THATS WHAT GOOD STORYTELLING IS  
YEAH I CAN SEE HOW INTERESTED YOU ARE NOW I GOT YOU ON THE EDGE OF YOUR SEAT DONT I?  
DAMN STRAIGHT  
okay  
Ahem  
So  
Once upon a time, there was an idiot named Armin. Now, this wasn't just any idiot, but he was a mouse-faced whine-bucket with decently combed hair.  
One day, Armin was skipping along, occasionally tripping on a conveniently placed rock and landing flat on his face. These impacts resulted in his nose being snapped a few times, leaving behind a permanent trail of dirt and wound-related shit over the bridge of his nose. Never tell him I told you that detail, if Satan ever curses you hard enough to meet him in person. (you're ever cursed hard enough to meet him in person.) I usually block out most drabble bullshit he's spewing from his damp-butthurt mouth, but that detail was interesting enough for me to keep.  
So anyway,  
Armin was tralala-ing like the stupid idiot he was. And one day he came across a gang of people who had a brain, so they beat him up for being an idiot.  
"OH NO PLEASE DONT!" Armin cried before being punched in the face again, successfully knocking his teeth into his mouth. He choked on them, feeling the bone sharply dig into the sides of the throat as they slid down.  
Ha  
Okay so rewind like two seconds before this and I'm strolling through the streets like a total master pimp with Mikasa stalking the shadows behind me in that creepy but KIND OF cool Ninja way of hers.  
I see Armin getting the shit smacked out of him, and I wait for like three seconds just for the opportunity to watch this moment where his teeth get busted. Haha.  
"Hey!" Mikasa springs into action, and I nearly expect her to throw those darts at them like an actual ninja. I wanna punch something, too, so I follow after her and start laying bodies on the floor like a beast.  
Shit I'm so cool. I'm totally awesome even violence got nothin on me man. I just mow through everyone and nothin even comes close to slowin me down.  
Mikasa takes care of the last guy, and for good measure I give his head a quick shove with my foot. Take that, punk.  
"Are you okay?" Mikasa asks Mouse Face, but he ignores the hands she's outstretched to him and stands up.  
Armin nods, continuing to dust off his pants. "Yeah," he replies, "Im fine; it happens all the time, with them. Nothing to worry about," he looks up, dumbfuck eyes shifting between my stare and Mikasa's. "T-thank you. For everything."  
I just nod, because cool guys never accept compliments verbally! Mikasa nods right after I do, and hell yeah that's how I got yet another member of my posse!  
So let's go back a little further, shall we?  
I met Mikasa after her parents or some shit got kidnapped. I didn't see very much of what happened; I just smelt the bloodlust through the rain and decided I needed to go claim the calamity that was rightfully mine.  
"DIE YOU FUCKER!" I jump through the door, opening it and landing with my knees on the fucker's shoulders. I already got a knife from another idiot I just murdered, so jabbing it through the top of his head and out repeatedly just made it easier. Almost instantly after I land, I'm back down on the floor again. And because it'd be too weird to just sit on that guys face like that, I also immediately push off the ground, rolling to my feet like some kind of awesome murder acrobat.  
Mikasa's tied up, and she looks pretty frickin' scared; she even starts wiggling and trying to scream through the cloth gagging her as I walk forward.  
I put my hands up, blood dripping from my fingers and the knife I'm still holding. I do this so quickly that blood flicks onto her face, and )She wiggles and screams even more.  
"H-hey!" I whisper harshly, glaring at her. "Shut up, you idiot! I'm not gonna hurt you."  
She stops moving, wide eyes looking at me. And they're dark and full of fear, but I still can't move for a moment. It's like something was holding me there BUT THEN I JUST GOT ANGRY I WAS WASTING TIME I COULD BE OUT KILLING TELIES  
I crouch down to untie her, speaking a little. Telling her she needed to get out of here, or she could stay and join my Pokemon party  
Uh  
I mean  
Mikasa doesn't say much to my comments or whatever, but I can tell she's listening to what I've said as she brings her freed hands in front of herself. One hand twisting inside of the thumb and forefinger wrapped around her wrist.  
I keep waiting but my patience is seriously fraying thin for this bitch BUT THEN SUDDENLY IM GRABBED BEFORE I COULD EVEN DO SHIT  
"AH FUCK!"  
My knife drops from my hand, when I'm too busy striking the guy in the arm with my elbow or at least trying to GOD DAMN MY HEIGHT I HATE IT I HATE IM SO SHORT FUCK  
"PICK UP THE KNIFE!" I scream at Mikasa, voice raspy because I'm so angry but also maybe because this idiot's hand is around my throat.  
Mikasa just stares for a moment, and FINALLY AFTER LIKE FIVE SECONDS OF ME DYING SHE DOES SOMETHING  
AND ITS FUCKING AWESOME  
SHE GOES LIKE TOTES OP AND SLAMS THE KNIFE INTO THE GUYS STOMACH  
"YES YES RIP HIS ENTRAILS OUT"  
THE KNIFE SLITS ACROSS HIS STOMACH, RELEASING AN ONSLAUGHT OF BLOOD BILE AND HALF DIGESTED FOOD. I LAUGH MANIACALLY, BATHING IN THE SCENT AND SIGHT AS I LAND ON MY FEET AGAIN.  
So that's how Mikasa and I became not friends but Murder Maniacs.  
And everyone lived happily ever after  
LOL NOT  
WHAT THE FUCK IS LOL ARMIN TOLD ME IT WAS SOME "INTERNET JARGON FROM BACK IN THE EIGHTIES" BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS AN INTERNET  
IS IT A TYPE OF RAT  
DOES ARMIN HAVE LIKE A MOUSE COLONY FILLED WITH MICE PEOPLE  
IS HE A FURRY  
MIKASA SAYS I SMOKE TOO MUCH WEED BUT I SAW FUCK BITCHES GET THE MONIES  
OH AND  
KILL TELIES  
CAUSE THATS IMPORTANT TOO  
FUCK WHERE WAS I


End file.
